Revelation

I find myself not necessarily wanting the love and attention of anyone specific, but of anyone.

It has been an eternity since I have held someone in my arms and inhaled deeply the incense of love. Since I have held my hand on the warm face of someone who looked as deeply into my eyes and soul as I do her's. I long for the communication without words... the security of knowing she will be with me in my next breath.

Can I find that relished emotion? To begin again seems impossible. I know there is someone in the vastness who has the needs that I possess. It is not so much receiving this closeness, as it is giving of myself. Who are you? are you the woman I should be spending my life with, the one given to me by God, or are you a stranger?

How long can I stay alone? how long can I drop by acquaintances' homes before I become a burden? It would give me deep pain to be as a thorn on the beautiful sculpture of a rose.

I took some time before I realized the pain that overtook my inward cavity. Was it hunger? Was it exhaustion? Was it worry? When I realized what this feeling was that I had never experienced... it came to me as a revelation... a revelation I did not want to unfold... loneliness...

When is it acceptable to exclaim that everything is not as it should be? My life is lonely. My smile false for the moment. I do not want the pity of the ones who love me. I know they become overburdened with the calamity that overcomes me.

Who can I see and touch that will listen and respond with silence and diverse understanding? I know that my longing is not the first to be besieged upon the flesh of this world. It will pass... and my thoughts will only be remembered in detail by this ink that splashes words upon this page.

This cavern is deep and wide. I must keep my lamp lit and crawl toward the vast and open surface. I know my desire to proceed is strong. But will my heart hold to the undaunted pressure of my depths?

Let this end... and this pain be but a reminder of the frailness of my life.

Shannon R Killman