The Season

There it was… that feeling that swept across my flesh like the pores react to… from a cool breeze in the heated desert. Something infiltrated my soul and made me close me eyes and engulf a strange emotion of a thousand memories.

The anticipation had built until the time when reality was upon me. My reactions were unexpected at this venture of the passing of time. My neck stretched upward in an involuntary response to the first hint of the oncoming warmth.

Without expectation, my lungs were filled with the aroma that poets fight to describe… the boldness of the hidden treasures of flowers that hastily arch toward the lavaness sun.

This is the time that we hear the laughter of the children as they play. All around us, the squeaks and giggles of our offspring echo the carefree sounds that we search for in our adultness.

The sleeping giant below our feet explodes with life… engulfing the grayness that has been etched in our minds for what seems to be an eternity. It is a time of details…a time when the old look forward with anticipation for the greens and the blues embalmed in the mind’s eye. A time that the young discover newnesses that will make impressions that will last through the ever-shortening years.

Can we hold on to these swift flowing emotions? The mind is so easy to forget. Our senses glide to complacency and numbness. Let us hold this fire that opens our eyes and our hearts and keep this freshness in our lives… to magnify our responses to our surroundings.

I will peer into this new season around me and soon I will forget the great impatience I held while Mother Earth slept below me. Does it take such a change for us to appreciate the beauty that has been given us? It must be part of the plan of the Master.

When my eyes and heart begin to become complacent, a renewing of the newness is just beyond the horizon… and again, I will be engulfed with experiences… some new and adventurous and some reflective and warm to my heart.

Shannon R Killman

Defeated

What is this feeling I have inside? It pulls at me like gravity to the soil. I strain to breath the cold winter air. My eyes tire at consciousness.

When will her memory leave me? When will I stop thinking of her? Am I destined forever to include her in my thoughts?

I am defeated… can this pride that has cursed man through the ages burn so deep in my soul?

Oh how we take for granted the ones we care for. They can disappear in an instant. We fight to hold on to the vanishing memories. Can a man hold the breeze as it flows through his hands?

My mind searches for resolutions. There can be no comparison… as for the love of someone that has retreated. My heart is full and needs to beat in unison with another. She is out there… somewhere.

Shannon R Killman

Anger

There is such a rage building in the depths of the body of my wrath. This feeling is driving my pulse to the limits of containment. Will I be able to control this anger and put this drive to proper use, or will my desire to propel it become more of a reality than desired? My mind fuels this fire by pulling forgotten memories back to the rising surface. I replay these moments of torment as if they were events of the recent past… recalling each breath and word. The mind is spectacular in its unlimited imagination.

Love is uncontrollable and on one extreme of the pole of emotions… a strong and unyielding emotion which has driven the strongest of men into places of uncertain contentment. Hatred and anger are regarded to be opposites of this drive of love, but the two pour similar conditions upon our unclothed minds. Are we able to contain our passions for hostility or for love? My mind races with questions of similarities and differences.

This feeling of anger is not to be held as wrong. The postures of the patterns in my mind are real and just… and if understood and controlled, can be a healthy addition to my emotional portfolio.

My neck and face become incarcerated with heat and my patience pulled to the limit… as if stretched at both ends. My ability to produce logical thoughts falls all around me like the sweat from my pours. My pulse intensifies and my eyes see only what my mind drives them to see.

I become a maker of plans. Schemes of revenge surge from my mind and fulfill the desires of my consciousness. Time is the only companion toward peace. If these convulsed illusions can be laid to rest for a period of time, my anger will calm.

I fight within myself. Shall I hold this fury and lash out to my target, or will I choose to ask the Maker to calm my soul? I must rely on His strength and experience. The choice is mine… I have been given this freedom from the beginning.

To be the person I visualize myself to be, I know the destiny of my decision. I know, at times with contentment, what is to be the right concession. However, my flesh grins at the possible alternatives.

Let this rage flow into calmness and expose a new growth of fulfillment. Let the smoke from this personal battlefield lift and reveal a calm that will help inspire others to the proper path.

Shannon R Killman

My Departure

This journey has been long and tedious. I have hungered for this comfort… this warmth. My heart beats with contentment and my breath slows to pacification. The ever-tensed sinews throughout my frame relax with complacency.

I have journeyed countless passageways to feel this warmth and beauty. I am home and my soul is at rest. My venture has brought me many deviations but also joyous memories. Too many choices to count… but my goal has been set in concrete from the time my life’s decision was made. I am home.

I have been, in the past, only a visitor… a stranger, crossing the paths and roads of humanity. Tasting the sweet delights my Father placed before me. Many were the lights my smiles have greeted… many were the touches of the loved ones I can remember. There is so much love within me. I longed to calm the faces of my companions with the warmth of my pulse.

I leave much behind… too many faces to number... too many souls to ponder upon. My heart is set free from the weights of concern. Even now I realize that my Father will be behind… watching, teaching and guiding. My time is now eternal.

Cherish your time like the rains of the spring. They appear and burst the sleeping giant under our feet into life. Allow them to cover your soul and fill your heart with gladness and understanding. When it was time for my veins to go still, the promise of an eternity of rains was forever in my future.

My journey has just begun. I feel the comfort and protection I once felt as my father held my hand as we walked. I long to tell you more… to exalt you… to lure you into my peace. Worry not about my path, for my footprints were paced in the proper direction.

Use my memory to drive the hurt from your heart and fill it with the Comforter. His promise to you is as solid as the one He proclaimed for me. Your journey upon this earth will some day cease and you will enter into the realm of eternity with me.

The time, when the glimmer of light between our eyes will once again meet, will be like the echo of a single heartbeat. I will take your hand and lead you to the house of the Maker, and again… we shall explore a new life. My tears of happiness await you. Do not be sad concerning my departure. Worry not… for I am home.

Shannon R Killman

Re-Alignment

I have found again that lost friend of my memory. At one time I felt as though all of my thoughts and actions of recent history were commonplace. As I look back, I see the devastation of my heart had an affect on my sanity.

The great joys and excitement I experienced are once again peeking through the cracks of reality. My mind and heart race with glee at the expectation of the next conquering experience.

How was this joviality so easily laid to rest? I realize that my spirit is not as strong as I one predicted. My enthusiasm was as vulnerable as a sheep in the wilderness without a shepherd. How long had my arrogance developed to the point of misinterpreted insensibility? I am thankful for my experiences, for I have been shown that my pride and self-confidence is a mask that can be easily removed.

I feel as though I have found an old friend who has randomly found his way into my doorway. I immediately recognize this excitement and elation that had for so long been hiding behind the injurious memories of the departure of my loved one.

My mind reacts again as if rejuvenated by youthful fortune. Goals begin to arise and my drive seems to be unlimited. My imagination is fueled with thoughts of conquest. I surmise that in the depressed state of my past persona, the Consoler would not place a greater amount of defeat upon me that that which I could manage. He has allowed these lost companions of mine to rest while the rehabilitation of my soul was further into completion.

I accept this turn onto the proper path and scan the horizon for additional positive emotions that have been hibernating in my soul. One step at a time… I will rebuild my fortress of accountability, but all the while, as with the walls of Jericho, realizing that without the proper prospective, the realignment of my soul can be a mere trumpet blast away.

Shannon R Killman

Makers of Memories

I long to hear the words of my past loved ones. I strain with deliberation to feel the details of the meaningful conversations of the lives that have been laid to rest.

The cycle is making its turn… the aroma comes upon me like the scent of the pines in the forest of my life. I am absorbed before I can react with any conscious effort.

How long can my mind expel these memories? The smiles of my grandmother as she pats my grandfather… the gleam of love that was only a fraction of time between them… was only a passing moment of communication between two sworn hearts. Still, it left a memorable impression upon my soul that will last for eternity through their memory.

As I now peer into the eyes of my young offspring, I feel the love that was passed on to me by my parents. My heart is filled with exuberance and immortality by their smiles and laughter. Time is of more importance to me. I feel compelled to leave meaningful impressions behind to be captured by those who are within my circle.

I reminisce through photographs when my mind becomes dry of memorabilia… the library of my inner man becomes intoxicated with the re-emergence of the past. These portions of recollections do not disappear; they only hide as if by exercise.

I see the same charge of electrical communication in the photographs of the loves that have bee impaled upon my heart and soul. This glimmer is an immeasurable gift left by my ancestors to be passed down to the lives that I am now responsible for.

I will release the waters of my soul upon the benefactors of the memories of my life. Will they have to chase time until he becomes the pursuer? The maker of our chronometer has always known what is vital to our happiness and fulfillment. God… family… loved ones… all makers of memories…

Shannon R Killman

Reminder

The smile that lights up your face is as full as my heart when your reflection throws itself upon my eyes. Every pulse and twitch of your youth explodes with energy and reflex.

My mind pulls forward and leans toward your every word. I hear the echo of your voice in the quietness of my solitude. I envy the everyday norms of your life with others. God blessed your warmth and unconditional love upon me.

I see you only in glimpses now… only temporary sparks in the fires of the time we should be resting within. I wonder how, and to what extent your life would be different if I was by your side… by your side for the bruises and bumps that life thrusts upon you.

It was meant to be that I should lead and console you… to be within your grasp when you weep and scare. I fear that when you wake in the night, you don not call out for me. I know I should be the one to run to your side and impale my confidence into your brow.

Life has made its decisions and I am forced to comply… to re-map a route into your life. Your tender age intercepts the understanding of our situation, but with time and toil, the thoughts of my concerns and posture will be impaled into your heart.

My mind and soul ache when I think of our time apart. I bargain for forgiveness… for the passing of time without you. My child, you are my precious jewel… my l light in the ember of my love… the beginning of a voyage yet undetermined.

My sweet… my tender and giving angel… perhaps when the shades of light set upon your life, you can comprehend my task… the task of nurturing and caring from a distance. I would give to you, without the consciousness of thought, my very breath and life. You are my gift from God and his gift to this world.

Be patient with the passing of this season, and understand and realize for eternity, that I have always been within you… in some way and in some form. I will always love you and always need you.

If I ever doubt the importance of you in my life, I can be reminded by the immediate intoxication of your familiar smile. Although I cannot feel and hear the beat of your heart…. Your pulse is an eternal reminder… your Daddy loves you…

Shannon R Killman

Strike of Riches

You fell into my life and accepted my vigil with unselfishness. You allowed my voice within your walls and burned my memory into your heart. I looked upon you like the dreams a man has… of stumbling upon a hidden treasure… first noticing it and then allowing the mind to be consumed by it.

If a man keeps his treasure hidden away and put to no use, there is no wisdom in his lack of efforts and the increase will be none. If a man spends his treasures wisely and fills the baskets of his home with its bounty and interest, the rewards will always be with him.

I see you as that treasure that I fell upon and hovered over with excitement and envy. In some moments, I felt compelled to hide your value and keep this secret from all. My ultimate choice was to enjoy your worth and to invest your love in the things of value… the value that increased the stock houses of my heart and my mind.

Your love has slipped away from me, but I can be grateful that you released your riches upon me and enabled me to find the wealth that most of us search for throughout all of our journeys.

The consequences of our meeting will always be an ongoing attempt for me to retrace my steps in the hope of some day making that strike of riches one again, that you once gave to me so willingly.

Shannon R Killman

Life’s Beginning

We walk… like whispers through the hours of the days… that turn into months… that revolve into years…

Our decisions pull at importance as though this moment is the greatest. As we reverse the pendulum, and peer back to our past, we know all that seemed so important was just flutterings of the mind.

I once thought that my life was complete. Adversity had been confronted with courage, strength and determination. It all fell quickly to the sanded surface at my feet.

The first glimpse that raked itself upon me fell hard upon my eyes in a place that will never hide. I could feel my joy and exuberance fill every crevice of my surroundings. The reflection of my nervous smile threw itself upon me from within your soul.

Not only can I remember first seeing you in all of your perfection, but when I close my eyes to ponder your welfare, I can inhale the emotion of that moment… the moment that my life truly began.

It does not matter in what direction our lives my divert and into what year our bond is magnetized… for after all of my years have past, I will for an eternity have you… my child… in the memory of my life’s true beginning.

Shannon R Killman

Family Tree

I journeyed back to the place of my origin… a journey that took years for my ancestors to reach… a place that gave me a great calm and peace.

The earth moved in a pace that is unfamiliar to the lives that call that place home. I feel as though the roots of my soul were being quenched from the waters of my family’s reservoir.

All of the familiar odors and feelings of my surroundings rushed upon me and flooded my lungs and my mind. Hidden memories flashed before my mind’s eye and replayed a lifetime of verse and rhythm… the rhythm of the heart beat of my relatives… past and present.

As I inhaled deeply the aroma of the air that had fueled my youth, I felt the acceptance of my visit. The smiles of my lineage pierced the cracks of my eyes and led me to a place of comfort and belonging.

The glimmer of light that falls upon my eyes from the smiles of my loved ones is like lightning to the sky… brightening the darkness as it flashes flares of contrast through the clouds.

At once, I felt not a visitor, but as a part of an essential component. This cog that is in my spirit seemed to fall into place… just as the music of an infant’s heart, beats in unison with its host mother.

I saw motions and heard tones that I identified as my own. I see these sparks of warmth in my own eyes and in my voice when I peer into the mirror. The genes of my father, and from his, have passed on building blocks of flesh and blood to me.

I will find a way to reach the origin of comfort, and surround myself with the arms of my family… my family tree. The branches of this tree surround its trunk and give off new life.

I long to absorb the water of this spring of life and continue my task… to journey to the place in which it began.

Shannon R Killman

Testament of Love

There will come a time when the field of light between us will shine no more… just as the sun as it hides behind the horizon. I will search for your warmth and your reaction, but I will only have your memory to remind me of our brief time together.

The love and the closeness of time… as time stands still… I see the smile in your eyes as the wind blows your silver hair. I see the light as it catches your face and the memory, as a recording, throws a piercing ingestion into my heart. It is now that the symphony of your voice echoes through the vastness of my silent recall.

I will always need someone to hold my hand and spirit while guiding my thoughts. I will always heed your touch and your concern.

There will come a day when my offspring will look for that attention that I continually search for. I know that if I have struggled through life’s toils and triumphs with them, they will hear the comforts of my voice in their minds when I have grown old.

When the loneliness of life pulls their hearts toward the parched and heated ground… they can peer into the vastness of the sky and find the place that we have always shared… the moon... the moon with its unchanging surface. I know that they will feel the glow of their daddy fall upon them.

In ways that seem as insignificant as a sparrow that falls to the ground, our conversations and communication are as impressionable as the wounds of battle.

Feel free to judge yourself in the task of nurturing. The impressions you have made will change this world. I am as confident in this, just as I know that one night my child will peer into the sky and call my name from the heavens. She will receive a memory or a vision that will set her heart to rest… and reveal the love and testament that has been opened from your heart to mine… and from my heart to hers…

Shannon R Killman

My Pearl

When we were together as one, much as a pearl enclosed in an oyster’s shell, my mind and thoughts were fueled with the opportunity of fatherhood. My task was that of compassion and direction. Now that the forces of the outside world have invaded our path of destiny, my purpose has changed in like the seasons.

My first response was to fight the inevitable… to struggle with the complexities of fatherhood from a distance. I battled with the other protectors of your innocence and carried a great burden inside of my soul… all the while smiling and flirting with the positive and negative emotions of our relationship.

It has not been an easy coarse to traverse… constantly juggling with the emotional trauma of our repeated separation and the enjoyment of our reunions. I am only with you a scant portion of time in your deliberation of growth. My time with you is now portioned to me… like the treats of sunlight given to a prisoner.

I hope and pray that our moments together will make impressions on your future, and my smile will be etched in your mind… the security of my arms around you pull the love and intentions from the aura of my spirit into yours. I wonder… will you remember my heartbeat, my love, and my call to your memory?

I do not have the power of controlling the passing of he sands of time. Our embraces are temporary and incomplete. I long to guide you in the direction of correctness… but I cannot grasp enough time… ours is precious to me… as precious as my own existence.

I long to be your friend… to hold your hand and to hear your voice asking questions of life. I need to see the tears of joy… to feel the warmth of your path into eternity.

I hope that when you age, you will not question my love or my concern. You are my pearl. Your fate is decided by the artistry of others. Remember… you have been covered by my love and by my kindness. You will forever be the portion of myself that I will continue to search for…

Shannon R Killman

Comfortable Friend

I wait and rest… I can feel the movement of air as it pulls at my structure… you place me here and pull back to fill me in your view… I wait for the twist of your face and the adjustment. Want me… be pleased… love me…

Yes… all is right. I feel the smile of the artists touch. You walk by and touch my arm and fold the pleats of my covering. I am happy to have brought you joy… in this quiet moment, I feel full and useful.

I will wait here and peer through the window. The curtains block my view as the wind dances with them. I fantasize of their freedom, but am distracted by the workings of life from behind me… I hear words that I am unable to comprehend… for I can only evaluate expression and touch.

I can feel your closeness… please be with me… please attend to me… I will comfort you if that is what you desire… but you pass by me… I will wait for you… I will be here when you need warmth or rest.

I know you will return to love me… to feel me… to need me… all of us in this room look to each other and wait quietly. We talk with a symphony of silence… pick me… love me…

And you do… you rest with me… let me hold all of your weight… I am providing my purpose. Fill my spaces and warm my insides with your time… when you go, I can stop the erosion of time with the memories of our mutual purpose. Thank you for your attention… thank you for your touch and your warmth...

I will sit here by our window until you place me by the hall… or by the porch. The sun is our private friend. We both search for it in our quiet times.

You are of bone and flesh and I am of wood and cloth… we are, both of us, strong yet fragile. Sit upon me… place me… love me… accept me… I long to be your comfortable friend…

Shannon R Killman